There are fazes of grief that one goes through when dealing with a death of anything. Doesn't have to be only experienced when there is an actual death of someone.....this can be with the loss of anything.
For me....the death that I speak of...is of a five year friendship. It's hard to write about, as the death of this friendship is still fresh, and near to my heart, but I am writing about it in hopes of some therapeutic healing from it.
I decided that today was the day I would begin to write and talk about it....as I just finished watching a documentary on t.v about the friendship of two men over a period of over 40 years....and how after all those years....the death of their friendship arrived. Both men still alive....but there were some life epiphanies that happened that brought them to that space.
Well.....I had one of those life epiphanies with my friendship. Those that I believe truly know me, know of my honesty. This can often be brutal, depending on how you see it. I was put in a situation with this friendship that I speak of to be honest...and honest in the most brutal way. There was no way to "pussy foot" around the situation in this case. I could not "sugar coat" what I had to say...it all just needed to be said.
I was sickened and worried about how this friend would handle what I had to say....but I thought that being such great and true friends for this long, and this friend truly knowing who I was, that even though it hurt what I said, that they would see why I said what I said and we would come out the other side even stronger as friends.
This was not the case. And so the grieving stages have begun. I have gone from anger, to the pain of crying, to disbelieve, back to anger.....to questioning my actions and second guessing myself...only to realize...umm it's a little to late for that idiot...you said it all. But then thinking about it all over again....and knowing that I really am happy with the decision to be honest.
I wasn't always honest in my life about feelings with friends. I often just wanted to be the people pleaser....make sure that everyone was happy and that all was "good".....never wanted to make people cry or upset....and often I was the person to help "smooth" situations out.....well....not anymore.
I like who I have become. I like that I don't have to "think" about how I am going to express my feelings....why should I? Why should I not be honest? Don't we tell our children "just tell me the truth hunny"....well WTF....why are we all not telling the honest truth then? Is it because we are all afraid that non of us can handle it anymore? Has society become so effing pathetic that we can't handle the truth anymore?
"Oh geez, Tina said something honest and hurtful, better get some pills for that to help you handle it" That's ANOTHER thing that pisses me off....that society runs to the doctor to "help" with the "pain" of the truth. SERIOUSLY.....have we all lost our big boy/girl panties so much that we can't effing handle the effing truth anymore!!!!!!!!!
I have heard hurtful truths spoken to me, about me and at me....and you know what.....I AM STILL HERE, I AM NOT TAKING ANYTHING TO COPE WITH IT AND I HAVEN'T LOST MY MIND. In fact....I think I am a stronger person because of it....because I was able to take what I heard and see it for what it was and use it.
I am going to allow myself to grieve for a bit longer....and then I know I need to move on from that "space". I am currently in the space of disappointment....disappointed that my friend just let it all go, that this person could not let go of their ego and just see and hear it and not justify it. Disappointed that I thought more of our friendship then they did obviously.
So thank you my strange internet land for hearing me...and being part in my journey of grief. Thank you my now estranged friend, for you have given me another life experience to learn and grow from and to teach others about. I am sure that I will think of you often.