Saturday, September 27, 2014

The past

This post is difficult for me, because it deals with someone from my past. I am speaking of my son's Father. I speak of him as a Father and not as a Dad. He was not a Dad, but he did Father a son. These are harsh words, but they are true.
24 years ago when I was pregnant with my son I remember telling my son's Father that he will have to make a choice in life and I hope he makes the right choice so that he's not a sad and bitter old man in his 40's.
I am not sure where the hell this wisdom came from inside of me, I was only 18 yrs old at the time, but my soul must have already know.
My son's Father made the choice to not be involved...he might argue that he was involved...but when you have a adult child that is telling you now that he had either no memories of you at all or if he does have memories they are awkward ones....I'd say you were an absent Father. This would hurt anyone, I can't imagine having a child saying that to me, so I know it would be painful.
This thing that is hard about this post is that his Father wants desperately a connection now, and my son does not, and the fact that is Father keeps trying and trying is making it more and more awkward...he has no connection or common interests with him what so ever and he just really does not want to hang out with him and pretend.
I too have not talked to him in years, I too have my own struggles with dealing with him. He is a nice enough man, don't get me wrong, I know he loves the son he Fathered, but maybe he loves the idea of him more then the actuality of him. I know we all make mistakes in life and we all shouldn't pay for them, but you can't just expect people to "have a kumbaya moment and it's all just fine".
I struggle because I know the pain of having an absent Father my son has faced and is now dealing with as an adult. I think my son has adapted well, but hey, we are all human and some things just hurt, plain and simple.
His Father has contacted me recently and wants to discuss my son's "well being and mental health". These are his words exactly. I responded to this with a bit of a snarky reply (as my son pointed out it was not a response of love that is for sure), I replied with "oh do tell wise one how you have come up with the idea that there is something wrong with our son's mental health and well being, I'm curious to hear what conclusion you have come to on this subject".
So you can see, it was not one of open arms....because in my mind I felt "are you kidding me, you, who has NO EFFING CLUE who our son is or what his journey has been or where it's going and you have some type of opinion cause you came to the city one night after many years of not seeing him and you hung out for a few hours of awkwardness and you think you effing have a clue....yeah....good luck with that pal"
Again, I don't want to be this angry person, my son and I have been talking about this subject for a while now, oh how wise he his, it blows my mind how freakin wise he is and how grounded he is....he has been such a great inspiration to me.
How I am going to deal with this Father wanting to talk to me about a son he wants to know, is going to be difficult. I am hoping that I can go in with an open mind and a kind spirit of understanding....the big word here is HOPING...but I don't know how my actual reality will pan out. His Father lives in another province so the only way to speak is via phone, I hate having discussions of such deep proportions on the phone, to have them in person is much more pleasing to me, but this will not happen.
I am not sure when I will have the strength to deal with this issue, but I am not having it until I feel ready and I will not be pressured into doing so until then.
So here's hoping for some good vibes and vibes of courage my way!!!

Sunday, September 14, 2014 just for THAT guy

I have that ONE co worker who EVERY SINGLE DAY that I have worked there in the last four months says the word "BACON" to me at some point in the day....most often it's first thing in the morning....and most of the time he just looks at me and says "baaaaaaaaaaaaacccooooonnnnn".
I thought if I replied with "Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale" he'd stop.....but no....I have even tried out right ignoring him....that didn't work....and I have had impressive arguments with him....and by impressive...I mean I was impressive with my knowledge..not I am now left to just simply making the above face!
So this's just for THAT guy :-)

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Winter driving as a greenhorn

Well over the past ten or so years, I have had the pleasure of hearing very descriptive stories from my oldest brother about his experiences of driving a big rig in the winter....he used to haul over the USA and he's just in Canada but he goes to the coldest place ever....Fort Mac....YIKES...and some of the stories he tells me from there are terrifying.
So he giggles with delight at the thought of his baby sister now going through the same thing...however....I don't have to go nearly as far as he does...I'm just a local driver who occasionally goes no more then a two hour trip out of town...but none the less...driving in snow whether your five minutes away or five hours away can be a bit tricky in a big truck.
What made today even worse was it's the first snow fall of the year, first time I am driving a big truck in the snow, and I just finished watching an episode of Highway Thru Hell on t.v last night where there were a ton of truck yeah....I was a little on edge lol.
Today I had to drive to Waterton Park, where I just was five days ago with my kids and it was so warm and beautiful...and today it was cold but yet still beautiful...just a white kinda beautiful is all lol.

This was not at all what me and the kids saw five days ago when here

Can you believe this is the same beach!!! Crazy what happens in Canada!

So I had this South African guy who works at the same place I do...this is his second winter here, last winter was his first time seeing snow and driving in I found it hilarious that HE was giving me driving instructions on how to best drive in snow....his advise was "you just go, no need to stop or slow, you just get there"...and the other piece of advice was this "always make sure you wipers do not will die of heat but you crank your heater defrost and then roll your window down for air breathing" this what someone here in Canada taught him when he first came here?
So I started to get some accumulation of ice on the window and wipers and it was not going I cranked the heat defrost...which totally worked, got rid of the build up, but just like he said, you can't freakin breath cause it's so damn there I am, driving down the road in a snow storm with my window open and the heat blastin...all cause the dude from South Africa advised me to do so and it worked lol
So I shall see how my winter driving goes...this was only the first day of I am sure to be many more experiences in the snow...happy white knuckle driving!

Monday, September 8, 2014


Well who ever tries to tell you that you can't grow tomatoes in Alberta I'd say they were a liar....and if you tell me you can only grow one kind, I'd say they were a liar AGAIN....cause my hubster just picked 85 effing pounds of these things....SERIOUSLY.
We are expecting the possibility of getting snow tonight and tomorrow...and the hubster spent literally three hours picking these 85 pounds of tomatoes of various kinds and sizes. We are now going to put spread them out evenly in newspaper and boxes all over the freakin basement and wait for them to ripen over the next few weeks and this means we will be eating tomatoes till the cows come home!
So like I said before....never ever will I buy another tomato plant again...cause growing them myself is seriously the most productive thing EVER....but I do have to say that having a super duper great hubster like mine who tends to them so wonderfully is a huge help.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

My children...oh how they make me smile

Yesterday was pretty much the best day ever! Both of my children came out from the big city to spend a day with there Mamma out in the mountains at the Waterton National Park.
A few weeks ago I took the hubster there, as he had never seen it, well this weekend I took my son and his girlfriend and my daughter...and we had a know it's a great day when words from their own mouths are "oh man, this is the greatest day ever".
Now the reason for these words is because of the following experience they had:

My kids were taking DELFIES...selfies with a deer....SERIOUSLY...the deer are rather tame..but to experience slowly walking up to a deer and giving their ears some rubs and giving them belly was like my kids were five years old again...squealing with delight over this experience. I have to was rather freakin cool.

Mamma bear with her baby girl

Mamma bear with her baby boy
LOVE my kids to pieces
What would a family day out be like without a fun silly picture of the kids!

Saturday, September 6, 2014

The story of the necklace

So I pretty much wear this everyday, it's rather special to me. You see, I bought this beauty at the Shambhala music festival last year, as a reminder of the most magical place on earth and as reminder that the most magical people do really exist there together in total bliss.
Sadly I was unable to attend this year, but none the less, the memory stays with me around my neck.
Now, since I have been wearing this the past year it has brought a host of new memories along with this to me is truly the magical bit about the energy of this crazy California pine cone.
I will be just going about my day, whether it's working or walking some where or shopping or what ever...and someone will stop me and say "oh man, I love that, where did you get it" or they just stop and make some sort of comment.....this then leads into me telling them about the magical place of Shambhala. Sooooo....a few months ago I was delivering to the Great Canadian Wholesale club in the city and this young lady saw it and asked about it, and of course this lead to my ecstatic outburst of ramblings....and she then exuberantly rambled about how she was going to this magical place for her first time this summer...which turned into a instantaneous bond between us (it's a farmily thing).
So yesterday I was once again at this place dropping off and I hear this scream from the far end of the is her..Massielle. I knew right away I was about to hear her epic life experience. I was not disappointed at fact I was so energized by her excitement it filled my soul for the day. She gave me her number and we are now connected as farmily soul members for life....this is the power of has now age, ethnic, geography or any type of just knows love and compassion...and this is what the world needs more of....this connection.
This is just ONE of the stories I am sharing with you....there are more, and they are all precious to me, and I feel so blessed to meet and share with so many people along my journey of life, and to those I have met at Sham or because of Sham....thank you, and for those who I have yet to meet....I can hardly wait to give you a hug...cause hugging is seriously my favorite if you have "personal space issues"....well....I'm so sorry for you, cause I will not know that, and I don't ask, I just hug :-) 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

An inspiring woman

Life lessons come in many shapes and sizes, forms and ideas....this is how this one came to me, via my son's beautiful girlfriend Tonya. This is what she posted on her Facebook page yesterday.
"Over the course of a year I've been practicing seeing people as a reflection of myself and my inner being and it has had a profound impact on how I feel about others and my interaction with them.
Sometimes people are unpleasant, selfish or hurtful but once I've realized that those are all the traits that are present inside of me as well its become so much easier to sympathize and relate.
Were all the same species, everyone has problems to deal with and everyone deserves love and understanding.
Next time someone pisses you off for just one second catch your reflection in their eyes and realize that you are one in the same."

So I did what a lot of people did...I liked the post, thought about it for a moment and then moved on. Then today..IT HIT ME HARD. 
You read something is one thing, to implement it into ones life is another thing...often this step is not taken. 
I as at work today, doing a pick up at a large manufacturing plant, and I happened to be there at shift change...this place can be INSANE with traffic at this's where it gets a bit edgy.....most of the workers there are of a different ethnic background then myself. I would say there are about 6 different nationalities that I know of working there, could be more. Most of them speak very little English which can make for a difficult situation often when it comes to a moment when it's me in my big rig, or them in their small car and they need to move but it's hard to communicate this to you get my point here?
So today...this situation arises once again....I get the "deer in headlights" look when I am head to head with a spouse who is just there to pick up their better half at the end of their shift, except my head is a big rig and their head is a small 1985 Honda in three different colors (how this thing does not have collector plates is an honest question really lol).
So I for some reason INSTANTLY thought about Tonya's this person was a reflection of I thought to myself....greedily....there is now way I am this ignorant or stupid...and then my head snapped back with total embarrassment and disgust and shock in myself. I was absolutely ignorant and stupid...for I lacked understanding of what this spouse was going through at that moment...not knowing where I was going or what needed to be done, I did not know this person's language, just because this is Canada doesn't mean it's my freakin right to expect everyone to know my particular's a GIFT to live in such a wonderful diverse country as this!
Well...let me tell you...when you look at a situation in this manner that Tonya spoke's mind's so easy to point the finger and not acknowledge our own inadequacies or's so much easier to point out others...and for this I was ashamed...and so I made a point of correcting this attitude and making the experience for all involved a much more pleasant one...and because of this, I was blessed with a wonderful experience.
So Tonya...thank you for your wonderful inspiration, please continue to inspire us all with your tid bits of wisdom, for one is never ever to old to learn a new lesson in life...I want to grow to be 91 and still be able to say "how, I learned a lesson today" cause really, how freakin awesome is that!