Saturday, September 27, 2014

The past

This post is difficult for me, because it deals with someone from my past. I am speaking of my son's Father. I speak of him as a Father and not as a Dad. He was not a Dad, but he did Father a son. These are harsh words, but they are true.
24 years ago when I was pregnant with my son I remember telling my son's Father that he will have to make a choice in life and I hope he makes the right choice so that he's not a sad and bitter old man in his 40's.
I am not sure where the hell this wisdom came from inside of me, I was only 18 yrs old at the time, but my soul must have already know.
My son's Father made the choice to not be involved...he might argue that he was involved...but when you have a adult child that is telling you now that he had either no memories of you at all or if he does have memories they are awkward ones....I'd say you were an absent Father. This would hurt anyone, I can't imagine having a child saying that to me, so I know it would be painful.
This thing that is hard about this post is that his Father wants desperately a connection now, and my son does not, and the fact that is Father keeps trying and trying is making it more and more awkward...he has no connection or common interests with him what so ever and he just really does not want to hang out with him and pretend.
I too have not talked to him in years, I too have my own struggles with dealing with him. He is a nice enough man, don't get me wrong, I know he loves the son he Fathered, but maybe he loves the idea of him more then the actuality of him. I know we all make mistakes in life and we all shouldn't pay for them, but you can't just expect people to "have a kumbaya moment and it's all just fine".
I struggle because I know the pain of having an absent Father my son has faced and is now dealing with as an adult. I think my son has adapted well, but hey, we are all human and some things just hurt, plain and simple.
His Father has contacted me recently and wants to discuss my son's "well being and mental health". These are his words exactly. I responded to this with a bit of a snarky reply (as my son pointed out it was not a response of love that is for sure), I replied with "oh do tell wise one how you have come up with the idea that there is something wrong with our son's mental health and well being, I'm curious to hear what conclusion you have come to on this subject".
So you can see, it was not one of open arms....because in my mind I felt "are you kidding me, you, who has NO EFFING CLUE who our son is or what his journey has been or where it's going and you have some type of opinion cause you came to the city one night after many years of not seeing him and you hung out for a few hours of awkwardness and you think you effing have a clue....yeah....good luck with that pal"
Again, I don't want to be this angry person, my son and I have been talking about this subject for a while now, oh how wise he his, it blows my mind how freakin wise he is and how grounded he is....he has been such a great inspiration to me.
How I am going to deal with this Father wanting to talk to me about a son he wants to know, is going to be difficult. I am hoping that I can go in with an open mind and a kind spirit of understanding....the big word here is HOPING...but I don't know how my actual reality will pan out. His Father lives in another province so the only way to speak is via phone, I hate having discussions of such deep proportions on the phone, to have them in person is much more pleasing to me, but this will not happen.
I am not sure when I will have the strength to deal with this issue, but I am not having it until I feel ready and I will not be pressured into doing so until then.
So here's hoping for some good vibes and vibes of courage my way!!!


  1. You did an amazing job with him my friend! He now knows what he has missed out on in the last 24 years....You and I walked paths that have made us stronger, and know that there are those that missed out because they were not strong enough to walk along with us. I know where you are coming from, I too am struggling to deal with the absentee family member(s) that now want to make up for lost time, and in my sons opinion it is far too late. We gave them more than enough love to make up for them. It is a guilt conscious that is getting these people now as they have finally 'gotten it' and realized their loss....well a little too late you girl <3 Darlene

  2. Awwwww Darlene....thank you so very much for always being that friend that has been there for me in the past 26 years, thank you for your kind words and understanding, it truly does mean a lot to me. Love you too, and I sure do wish you lived around the corner so we could have coffee :-)