Monday, February 16, 2015
So there's this girl.....
We met almost 20 yrs ago. I had heard of her long before I had met her. I was friends with her older sister at first...and then we became best friends. My first interaction with her was in Seattle of all places....at a restaurant on some side street where she was drinking a beer....the both of us were there in Seattle for an all women's christian retreat called "Women of Faith". She was taken there by family and friends who were trying to "save" her....she was not ready to be saved though.....and so I found her in this family restaurant trying to "escape the saving".
After that we had another accidental meeting together...and it was a weekend away to a place of "healing". The both of us had been gifted an expensive "find your self" retreat....both of us had anonymous donors gift us this 4 day intense therapy thing that basically messes with your shit for four days and you try to come out of it feeling all "lets love the effing world" type thing. And it worked....and it lasted....for a month...and then you go all back to your "what the hell is wrong with me" life lol.
It was in this four day escapade that we bonded more....because we heard each others shit in more detail...we both met other people there who we have since bonded with and kept in contact with over the years.....but our friendship was different....how...and why....I will never know.
What I know is this.....our friendship was also unhealthy.
She is an alcoholic and I was an enabler.
That being said...and I am sure there are some Al Anoner's out there who will say I am enabling by saying this....she did save my life.
How?....she told me over and over and over again that I was beautiful and that I was worth it...and that any guy would be LUCKY to have me.....she told me this in a time of my life that I felt like "shit". I had no self esteem....I had no voice...and I felt like even if I had a voice....I was not to be heard and no one cared....all that mattered was that I was a Mom and I was to raise my two kids on my own and smile and love God and lets all just hold hands and sing Kumbayah!
And so I felt supported for being me, I felt for the first time that I was not judged....the both of us could be ourselves and the rest of the world did not understand us except for each other.
I look back now and I think of all the hilarious, wonderful, toxic, abusive, exhilarating things we did together....and I think...what the hell were we thinking? Oh that's right...we weren't.....we were just "living".
So being a friend of an alcoholic sure takes an emotional slab out of your soul. There were things I saw...things I heard from her that were unimaginable to my human mind....and I felt so incapable of helping...so I would just "be" there for her....and she would in return just "be" there for me.
So over the years we have connected...and then disconnected again....and again...just very recently...reconnected again.
I love her, I miss her....she is the one person in the world....other then my big brother...that know the real me....that saw my "shit"...that saw me at my worst and still loved me.
I struggle with her need and desire for alcohol...she has been sober for a while again....how long she will be again...I don't know....or if she really is even sober...I hope so for her sake.
I also struggle with this idea. Who am I to judge her so harshly....I have said some hurtful things to her that I am sure not proud of...but in the moment I felt they needed to be said...and that is the theme of my life so to speak...I say things often in the moment that are harsh and hard to hear...and so do I really take back what I said and feel bad for it..or do I stand by the words of hurt and own them.
We all change, we all learn...we all keep making mistakes...who am I to judge another....!
So once again....I will be that friend this time that encourages her, loves her..and accepts the love back from her that she gives me....we are on this earth and are living this life journey for such a short time....and the older I get the harder it's gets to understand this journey so I take each day at a time...and I am grateful for each day I get to figure it all out all over again.
A couple of days ago on Valentines....she had wished me "many bra's...hoped that I would be spoiled with many bra's"....oh how this made me laugh....you see...when she knew me...I would NEVER wear one....it was hard for me to even get dressed on days yet alone out on a freakin bra lol.....I felt like it didn't matter anyways....no one wanted me so why the hell did the sisters needed to be all "wrapped up" lol....so she would say things to me like "Robyn, we are not going out until you put your damn bra on".
And so to this day....when I go bra shopping I think of her...if only for a split second...she is there in my head....and it's ridiculous that I am thinking of a women while I bra shop...but I do...cause this woman reminded me in a time that I could not think....to be beautiful.
So...my journey of friendship with her continues....where it will take us I don't know....I know we are 20 years older and still trying to figure our shit out....but I am glad that we are gifted each day here to try and figure our shit out.
On this family day weekend in Canada.....I think about a friend who was my "family" for years...yes we were a dysfunctional family.....just like so many "real" family's out there....but we functioned some how...and so today I shall reflect on family...and what family means to me :-)